Year after year you get to know yourself, you think you figured it out, but here you are somebody else as if you dance around a flame, you got burnt a lot with no one to blame. No one but a hopeless soul, desperate for a change, it may sound sarcastic but it isn’t strange. Keep going baby, it isn’t gonna end, your loop of identities isn’t coming to an end and that is my dear how the random thoughts of the mindest pass from teenage years until, well no end.
It all started with a gap. The feeling of the unknown, like you are filled with useless emptiness, you can’t get it out of your system. You wanna do something, be someone important but at the same time you can’t figure it out especially throughout teenage years. Sometimes days are spent slowly but most days feel like years, like a glass hour, you are waiting for the last grain of sand so you can get it over with, but it ain’t over.
Not by a long way, but the gap wasn’t all. It was just a part of the loop, Yes you heard me right I call it a loop. The loop of being at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people like the words, are crowding your mouth, suffocating you. You wanna scream them out, but you can’t cause no one listens and if they listen no one understands and if they understand no one respects ” You are overreacting ” famous last words…
Am I really overreacting? Is it normal? Am I a drama queen? You start to doubt yourself, your confidence, your own judgment on things and unfortunately, they win and you lose. They, the people the outside world they succeed in persuading you that you are overreacting and life can’t be that tough.
They tell you that you are complicating things.
Out of nowhere someone shows up, he grows a weird interest in you. It isn’t important if it’s a friend or a lover, a boy or a girl’s best friend. It isn’t important if that person is in love with you or just a colleague, What really matters is you, cause sooner or later you become so addicted to his presence, of being finally understood that there’s someone who can finally hear you out, the real you.
He/she believes you when you tell him that you are not happy, that you don’t belong to anything or anyone, he/she believes you and here it comes the fourth phase of teenage years.
The person we talked about becomes your life, you get away from everything, from everyone to be with him/her. That boyfriend or female best friend becomes your shiny sun and glamorous rainbow, you become so happy, so addicted to that person, you ask yourself every day how you became so damn lucky, from being lost to being belonged to someone, to finally have a role in life, as if your life is finally completed only by his presence.
And That is the myth, cause we only belong to ourselves, we complete ourselves, no one completes us but us.
I always hear that saying ” what goes up, goes down eventually” in our case, the feeling of flying, of owning the whole world, when your cheeks hurt you from smiling so hard and your eyelids become heavy and swelled from lack of sleep, all that is…gone, and comes the ugly routine, the ups and downs, the non-understanding, one second you are so high and the other you become underground.
It shatters your heart when you try to think about what happened, what you had done wrong, you start to blame yourself for the instability of the relationship, of all the ups and downs, your brain will give you every possible reason to doubt yourself, it will give you fake memories with fake hope, trying to make you feel better on the short notice.
But in vain,
And here is where the last phase begins.
Sooner or later you will get to the point where everything you try won’t bring time back, this relationship whatever it is won’t continue, that time will never go backward, you will be shattered inside out but with every little piece of hope and fake happiness fall off you, small pieces of loneliness and low self-confidence will fall off too, piece by little piece
Until you know that different ain’t a bad thing until you know that you only belong to yourself until you accept yourself as it is until you become free, but until then, the loop will never end.
And that was the summary of years of ups and downs.
A loop full of ups and downs